We all know it, we all get it, we either accept it, or say something about it. I am one that takes in everything that everyone says to me. I take a lot of it personally, especially when it comes to my children and my parenting. In the almost 2.5 years of being a parent, I have received a lot of "advice" and "opinions" on what I should be doing, or what is going on with my daughters. Unsolicited advice or opinions is advice or opinions I did not ask for, people just felt like it was their right to share it with me. I know I'm not alone here. In this post, I am not going to share the different comments I've received the past two years because 1.It will be very obvious who the comments came from and 2. we've all received comments (I'm sure), so what they are is not as important. What I want to talk about is why I feel unsolicited advice and opinions are inappropriate and a specific situation that happened to me that pushed me pass what I could handle or tolerate. I also want to share my husband's opinion on the topic as well too.
Why is unsolicited advice/opinions inappropriate?:
One simple word... Judgement. That is how the advice and the opinions come across. If I call you or text you asking for help, please share your wisdom, because obviously I need it. However, if I don't ask you but you share what you think I should do anyways, that is not okay. That comes across as judgement and honestly is disrespectful. A lot of the advice and opinions I've gotten and my husband has gotten as a parent is well-meaning. Those sharing their opinions and giving advice have good intentions and are not trying to be mean. I understand that everyone has their own experience and feel to use that experience to help others. That's totally fine (and good for you for having experience), but I don't care if your experience is 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, 30 years, 50 years more than me, not your kid, so keep your opinions to yourself.
My Husband's take on unsolicited advice and opinions:
I was looking forward to his response when I asked him. I asked him twice. The first time I asked him his take on the topic, he said that he's seen a lot and got a lot of opinions on what we "need" to do in the beginning with breastfeeding. It was almost as if Formula feeding was shameful and after having our first child, that advice and opinions we received from others made us believe that we had to make breastfeeding work or we were failing as first time parents. We let the pressure get to us and it was a complete nightmare. We tried everything. Our first daughter was not latching, I was not producing enough. We let the opinions of others convince us that if we didn't breastfeed, we weren't meeting the needs of our child. I think back on that now, and I cannot believe that we both let others tell us and let others shame us for not breastfeeding. With my second daughter, we decided to exclusively formula feed. I didn't even try breastfeeding with her. It was so freeing.
The second time I asked my husband his take on the topic, I actually phrased it as a question.
I said: "If someone, a friend, a family member, a stranger, gave you advice or shared their opinion on what you were doing as a parent or what they thought your daughter may "need", and you didn't ask for that advice or their opinion, how would that make you feel".
His Response: Annoyed. He used other language that I don't think is appropriate to write on here, but in a nicer way "Back off" and "where do you come off" can translate his words.
He is totally right. The thing about my husband though is he doesn't hold back to defend himself. If someone says something that annoys him, he will tell you that it annoys him. He is all confrontation. I am the complete opposite. If someone tells me something, I take it all in, internalize it, overthink it, and then avoid confrontation altogether. I wish I were more like him, but it's just not me. So when I get unsolicited advice and opinions, it affects me more. This leads me into my final talk about the topic....
An experience that went too far:
I try to tolerate advice and opinions I don't ask for. There was however one situation that really affected me. I am not going to go into too many details because it is more about the affect on me than the actual advice/opinions. It was a few days in a row that I kept getting advice and opinions on what I needed to do, what my husband needed to do, and what my daughter "needed". It was an overwhelming amount of opinions in a short amount of time that I felt like I was failing as a parent. My husband and I were treated as if we didn't know our own daughter and all of a sudden we weren't the experts anymore of our daughters' needs. I have never felt so much judgement and disrespect as a parent. I was so overwhelmed and exhausted, that it caused me to have the worst panic attack of my life. I'm talking, tight chest, can't breathe, uncontrollable crying, my entire body went numb panic attack. All because of unsolicited opinions and advice that I struggled to tolerate. I was trying to find someone to talk to. My husband wasn't around, I was by myself. So I called my mom. My mom talked to me for 30 minutes, trying to calm me down. Trying to get me to breathe normally again. I have had panic attacks before but not like this one. I felt like I completely let my girls down, like everything I thought as a parent, and everything I've been doing, was not enough. To this day, that experience will be my hardest parenting moment. I share this story not because I want you to feel sorry for me, or to compliment me and say I am actually doing a great job, but to let you know that even if you don't mean your opinions and advice to hurt someone, it actually can. It can do more than hurt someone, it can alter the way a parent thinks about their choices and their children. That is not okay. There are boundaries when it comes to parenting and too many times, those boundaries are crossed. Before you share your next opinion, think about how it can actually affect that person. Your advice/opinions can often feel like an insult.
I would love to hear your take on this topic. Have you experienced this? Are you annoyed like my husband and confront it, or do you internalize it like me? Let me know in the comments, I would love to chat about it.
Thank you so much for reading and for your love and support. Writing posts like this mean so much to me to share with you.
Love Always,
Susana
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