In the three plus years of being a parent, I have gotten quite the amount of comments. And while I'm sure they all meant well by saying it, other times it seemed it was said to be mean. I take it all to heart or the comment at least made me reflect on how I present myself as a parent and the choices I've made. What affects me the most with all these comments I've received is that I am truly, every single day, doing the best I can. I feel completely misunderstood and disrespected as a parent. I feel hurt for me, for my husband and for my girls. I can't help what people say, and usually I just take it. But most of the time, it sits with me and I fester with it for weeks, sometimes months. Honestly, if they're not your kid, mind your business and keep your mouth shut.
"You Need to Do Better"
I am starting off with the comment that hurt me the most. I'll give the scenario, it was at an event. My 18 month old was running around, she didn't want anyone to hold her, she cried whenever someone tried to pick her up. She just wanted to play and run around. It was towards the end, when we were all taking pictures and the person that made this comment to me looked at me with a smile and said "you need to do better". They have never been a parent before and saying with a smile on their face did not make it any better. I got extremely defensive. Who has the right to tell someone else that they need to be a better parent? Do you think they would have said anything like this to my husband? Probably not. Since I am the mother, and my child was being difficult, it was all my fault and reflected on me as a parent. This comment still sits with me to this day, almost two years later. I don't try and prove to them I am doing better. I know I am.
"You seem to have all your shit together"
I wish. Just because I seem like I have it all together, does not mean I actually do. I cry. A lot. Most nights I am by myself because my husband goes to bed early. I am often alone with myself or the girls. If something happens at night, it is my responsibility. Although I struggle sometimes, I also make sure to do things for myself. I plan girls trips, and afternoons/evenings away. I joined a book club to meet new people and catch up with old friends. I find time to share fashion, because it brings me joy. It's called balance.
"I don't care, I'm picking you up anyways"
If my child does not want to be held, respect that. It's their body, they have the right to choose. Please do not force this on them.
"When are you having a third"
Why on earth do I get this question a lot? I literally just had a second child two years ago and two under two kicked me in the butt. I feel like I am just now starting to feel like myself again. Please do not ever ask this question, not just to me, but anyone. It's really none of your business.
"If you weren't okay, why didn't you ask for help?"
Let me give you the backstory on this one. I really struggled after my second was born. we rarely got visitors. I rarely had people check in on me. So this comment came from someone that I for the first time was telling them that I was not okay. Their response to me was the quote above. Although the comment was just out of concern, I realized that in the midst of struggle, the many nights I was not sleeping, dealing with a colic baby, it was also my responsibility to remind everyone to check on me to make sure I'm okay. Sure, I could've asked for help. But why would I ask for help when no one even talked to me? So I struggled alone.
"Grandparents don't do the visiting"
This one hurt. The comment speaks for itself.
"Kids should be seen not heard"
I have heard this more recently. Especially since my girls have been making more noise. It makes sense though. Growing up, if we ever spoke up, tried to defend ourselves or someone else, or shared our opinion, we were always punished for "talking back". What we had to say was not respected by adults. I feel that is starting to be passed on to my children. I am trying, and will continue to try to break this cycle of disrespect.
"Two year olds should not stomp their foot and say no"
I'm sorry, what? Have you ever met a two year old before? Their brains are not mature enough and won't be for a long time to know not to do this. This is how they express themselves. We are continuing to work on teaching our girls right from wrong, but also understanding their lack of impulse control at a young age.
"I don't know how you stay so calm"
I may seem calm on the outside, but I often feel like I’m dying on the inside. I try to stay calm because I do not believe in yelling at my children. That does not mean that I don't think parents should. You do you and parent the way you see fits best for your family. But also doesn't mean that I'm not yelling on the inside myself. It's exhausting to always try and stay calm in the middle of a meltdown, but by doing it, it helps my child learn to regulate their emotions. I know they won't learn to regulate now, but one day they will and what I do now will help them get to that point. I hope they will remember one day I helped them through it instead of making them feel shame for having feelings. Also, if you know me, like truly know me. You know that I am an extremely anxious person and I struggle every day to ease the intrusive/anxious thoughts.
"Must be nice to have your husband help"
Yes it is nice, but what is often misunderstood is I only get his help maybe 10% of the time. He is involved when he's home. But he is not home often. He’s gone a lot for work and commutes many miles multiple days in a week. That's why weekends for our family is so important. It's the time my girls really get to spend with their dad. We'd prefer not to over plan on weekends, so they get daddy time.
"Your baby is really gassy"
Thanks for this. Having my child for one day does not make you an expert of my baby and know her more than her own mother does. Seriously though, please do not diagnose another person’s baby and proceed to tell them. It's so incredibly disrespectful. Trust that the parents know what they’re doing for their own children.
"Must be nice that you can stay home with your girls"
It is nice, yes. However, I am also exhausted. It is a lot of work to be home with two young toddlers all day every day. When they were two under two, it was even harder. I do my best, I am incredibly fortunate that I can be home with them, but it is not easy.
"Why are you tired? You don't even work?"
So because I stay home with the girls, I am not allowed to feel tired?
"No wonder she (my one year old) doesn't talk, because of the sign language you taught her, she doesn't have to talk"
This came from the lack of understanding language and learning through sign language. Sign language does not teach a child not to talk, it actually teaches them to use language in another way until they are ready to talk. I always recommend to teach children sign language. Starting at a very young age. It helps the growth of the brain and understanding of language. Before they can talk, it is one way they can communicate and express themselves. It is so important. I will forever defend sign language.
"Oh relax, she's fine"
Yes, maybe she is fine, but please do not ever tell me to relax. If I feel anxious about the safety of my child, as her mother, I have every right to.
"Let her fall, that's how she will learn"
It is our job to keep our children safe. If you think your child should not play on something or play with something, that is okay. If you want your child to fall to learn, go for it!
"You don't want to raise a sissy"
This language needs to stop. If my daughter wants to wear a dress or a skirt or put on makeup when she gets older, she will. I will not let these mindsets make her feel less than because she wants to do that. I grew up being called a "sissy" or "barbie" many times because I liked girly things. It was hard for me to hear this as a little girl.
"This is your fault"
I so often feel this. I feel that everything every single day is my fault. It is a tough feeling to feel. The guilt, the shame. It's tough being a parent. Show us some grace please.
"Family is overrated"
I love my family, I do. But as I have gotten older and spend more time with my own little family, I've realized that sometimes family is the first to knock you down in moments you count on them the most to pick you up.
"They should never be disrespectful"
They're learning. If you don't want them to be disrespectful to you, don't be disrespectful to them.
"Make them stop screaming, it hurts my ears"
This was said because of my one year old. She was screeching in excitement. She then got yelled at. Yes, my one year got yelled at. I quickly removed her from the room. I will not tolerate my daughter being yelled at.
"If she cries, I'm giving her back to you"
My second was colic and cried all the time. So naturally, no one wanted to hold her because she would cry almost immediately. Sometimes it was only me that would be able to calm her down. Of course, I'm her mother, so I should be able to soothe her. But it seemed as if no one else wanted to try. I feel like that's why I am so protective of my second born because for the longest time it felt like it was me and her against the world.
"Threaten him (my husband) no sex if he doesn't stop"
No, I will not. You can wife like that. But I will not. My husband is a grown man, he curses and he says things that may be inappropriate. It is not my place to control him. Just accept him for who he is, and move on. If you can't do that, you know where the door is.
"Why didn't you just go to the hospital?"
I'll give the backstory of this one. My second was born after less than two hours of labor. Since it was COVID time, we were not allowed to "just go to the hospital". There was a protocol to follow. Contractions had to be at least 5 minutes apart. When my contractions started, they were 12 minutes apart. Yes, it quickly became less and less between each contraction but happened so quickly that I was more focused on trying to manage the pain. I received this comment when I was sharing my birth story. That was the first thing that came to their mind to say after I shared my incredible story. Not about the birth of the child, the weight, the height, how did I feel after or am I doing okay postpartum. No, it was what they thought I should of done. It was so incredibly rude, and I immediately stopped talking about the birth after that because they were more focused on what I should of done instead of celebrating the birth of my baby with me.
"Who thinks he (my husband) should not allow his daughter to have a straw?"
This one pissed me off. A vote was cast ("Raise your hand if...") against my husband because he gave my daughter a straw. How disrespectful. If you ever cast a vote against another parent, shame on you. If you ever participate in the vote... you should know better. Again, not your child, stay out of it.
"Just yell at them, it will make them stop."
Absolutely not. I will not ever make my child feel like they can't feel. They're angry, I will talk to them about their anger. They're sad, I will talk to them about why they are sad. But in the middle of a meltdown, what they need most is a mother or father to be there for them. They are emotional creatures and are not emotionally mature yet. They need us to comfort them and help them regulate their emotions, not us to yell at them.
"You got really big"
Women gain weight during pregnancy and it is so hard to lose it after when we are struggling every single day to just function. Be kind. The whole "bounce back" language is unrealistic and just mean in my opinion. My body carried and birthed two beautiful children. That is what should be talked about.
"My child would never do that."
Awesome. You're a better parent. I received this comment when my husband and I chose to let our baby cry for sleep training. The judgement was beyond what I expected to receive. When my husband and I choose to do what we need to do with our girls, we no longer share what we do or share to a minimum. We almost always get judged and criticized because others "did it differently".
I definitely feel better writing my thoughts after each comment. Some thoughts I've been keeping to myself for a long time. It feels good to let it out. If I have ever said anything to you that has come across offensive towards your children or your choices as a parent, I am so incredibly sorry. I am trying my absolute best to stay out of what other parents are going through with their children. It is none of my business. I will share my opinion if someone asks me but will do my best to tread lightly and be respectful about it. Just keep this in mind, if I don't ask you your opinion, don't give it. Your unsolicited opinions and advice are not welcome. Also, respect my kids.
Thanks so much,
Susana
Commentaires