Have you ever gone to a social event and right before entering or as you're pulling up to the location, your heart starts to pound fast, your stomach starts to get that nervous feeling and palms/armpits start to sweat.? Yes, that's me. Here's the thing though, I never used to be like this. I used to be comfortable in any situation and could talk to anyone. I would rarely have an awkward conversation, I always knew what to say. Not anymore.
This changed a couple years ago. I don't know if it's because of COVID and we isolated ourselves for a while or the fact that I had two babies within two years and decided to stay home with them and that also became very isolating. I don't know. What I do know is that I am currently struggling. I can handle hanging out with one person, I can even handle two, but three or more, my chest starts to hurt. I force myself to go, but inside I am so uncomfortable.
Let me give you a situation. I went to an event, and it was a great time. I saw people I haven't seen in a while, since I left teaching. So it wasn't like I went to an event that I didn't know anyone. I just haven't seen them in a while and I have changed so much as a person since I last talked to them. I had a great time, I just didn't know what to say. I tried to make conversation. I think I did more listening than talking, which is fine for me because that's how I get the most comfortable. But there was a moment that the coordinator of the party wanted us to say something about the host. Basically, how the host was special to us. So of course, everyone took time to speak. You guys no joke, I thought I was going to vomit. There may have been 15 people at this event. But I had to speak in front of ALL of them and my social anxiety kicked in high gear. I spoke and didn't even say what I wanted to say, I mumbled, choked on my words, my face turned red, my neck felt like it was burning, it was horrible. Not to mention everyone staring at me all while this is happening. I was so embarrassed. For the rest of the evening, I just made small talk, and did a lot of listening and would chime in when I felt like I had something to say but that was it. I was actually very proud of myself for making it for 3.5 hours. But by the end, I was ready to go home.
I got home, turned off all the lights in our sitting area, and scrolled my phone for about an hour. I didn't even take my coat off. My husband was doing his LIVE Streaming, so I knew I didn't need to talk to him and the girls were sleeping. That was my time to recover. I was so exhausted after that I just wanted to sit in the dark. My husband didn't even know I was home.
The before and during is expected with Social Anxiety, but what happens after when I just wanted to sit in the dark and do nothing was definitely a concern. I had completely shut down. That was when I made the decision that I needed to teach myself how to be social again. At least with bigger crowds. The feeling of shutting down during an event and especially after is the worse. I literally spend days thinking about everything I said, and embarrassed I either talked to much or talked to little. Overthinking that maybe I talked too much about myself, or if I said something stupid. It is a mental game with myself. It doesn't happen often, only happens after a larger event. After this experience, I knew I needed to plan more to be social.
Has this ever happened to you? If you're a SAHM, do you feel like staying home with your kids has affected the way you socialize? Did quarantine during COVID do anything to your behavior at social events? Let me know, I'd love to chat about it.
Thank you so much for reading!
Susana
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