Have you ever heard of imposter syndrome? By definition it means, "self-doubt of intellect, skills, or accomplishments among high-achieving individuals". Have you ever felt one day you're confident and really good at what you do and then the next you doubt yourself and feel like a complete fraud? I have. And in all honesty, it sucks. It feels like a mind game. I want to talk about my experience with imposter syndrome and how it affected me. Then share what I try to do to turn the negative thoughts around. Here are my experiences with imposter syndrome.
High School:
I was in a special program at my high school called International Baccalaureate Program. It was new to my school, and I was the first class participating in it. If you haven't heard of this program, think of it as two years (junior and senior year) taking specific high level classes, intense assessments, challenging thinking, learning, and knowledge, and doing it with the same group of students and teachers. I was never a "good" student. I had to work hard for good grades. Learning did not come naturally to me. I struggled, a lot. I was in a class with students who always excelled, always knew what to say, how to test well, how to study, they were the thriving students in my class. So why did I join the program? I honestly can't remember. Maybe I wanted a better opportunity, maybe I wanted to look better when applying for colleges? I don't know. What I do know was it was hard. I stayed quiet and didn't participate in discussions. I didn't want to look like an idiot because I wasn't as "smart" as the other kids. I felt like an imposter, I felt like a fraud, and I definitely did not feel like I belonged in the program. But I completed it. Graduated with the certificate. And it did help me for college. College was a breeze after that experience.
Mock Interview:
It was senior year in college. My major being Elementary Education, we just finished our student teaching. We were assigned to a supervisor and a couple other students to participate in a mock interview. Up to that point, I felt very confident about becoming a teacher. I had great experiences. Each semester starting freshman year, we had "field experiences". Each experience as different as they all were, were very positive. I learned a lot and my teachers/supervisors were very supportive and encouraging. By the end of my senior year, I was more confident than ever that I was going to be a teacher and I was going to be good at it too.
The mock interview changed everything for me. I was in a room with a supervisor I had my junior year. So he was aware of me and my experiences. He watched me teach many times in my field experience as a "student teacher" junior year. Also in the room were 3 or 4 other seniors who also completed the same field experiences as me to be a teacher. The interview started. He made his rounds around the table asking us each questions that could potentially be in interviews. He asked me a question, I can't remember what it was actually but I remember he was disappointed in my response. He in front of everyone told me that I do not interview well and because of that I will " never be a teacher". I was so embarrassed. Every ounce of confidence I had from 4 years of field experience, crumbled. I felt like a fake, like a fraud, like I didn't belong in that room. I felt like I wasted the last 4 years because one man told me I wasn't going to be successful based on a mock interview. This experience was meant to be a learning experience. It was not like that for me. I walked back to my house by myself in tears. It took a long time for me to feel like I was good enough to be a teacher after that.
Leading Teachers:
Being a teacher can be hard in so many ways. I thrived when I was in the classroom with just me and my students. I was just comfortable and good at it. I always knew what to do and in days that plans did not work out, I was pretty good with problem solving. One of the hardest things I faced as a teacher other than student behaviors and parents, was leading other teachers. I was assigned my 3rd-7th year of teaching to lead other teachers. I worked over the summer to prepare for after school meetings, facilitating teacher PDs. It was definitely a learning experience for me in many ways. I had to learn to be a leader by other leaders. I was never really a leader in life. I liked to stay quiet and out of the way. So this was way out of my comfort zone for me. But I was paired with seasoned teachers that helped me feel comfortable. I felt respected by the teachers I was paired with. However, when it came to the actual PDs. I did not always feel respected by the teacher's participating in it. I felt judged. I had one teacher tell me "I don't need your help, I already do this". Then heard her whisper to another teacher "this is a waste of time". I wasn't clearly respected at that moment and she did not want me to "facilitate" and "lead" like I was assigned to do. Every PD, I was nervous and uncomfortable. I knew that I loved what I did, and I knew that I had a lot of strengths in the classroom, but a lot of other teachers did not see that in me. It took a lot for me to prove myself. For years I questioned why I was even put in the leadership role. What did my principal see in me that made her feel I was the right teacher for that. I didn't choose it, I was asked to do it. I did it because it was an opportunity to grow. I did it because I knew it would make me a better teacher. But I definitely felt like I was an "imposter". I grew a lot from it, and had to get to the point that I was not going to get respect from everyone who participated in those PDs with me. Honestly, that's the environment in schools. At least from my experience. Teachers don't always respect and like to be taught and lead by other Teachers. There is always a target on your back when you're put in that role.
My 6th year of teaching I was even nominated for "teacher of the year". It was such an honor and I was personally so proud of it. I only shared it with my family. I didn't share it with my teacher friends because I was afraid to be talked about that I didn't actually deserve it. So I kept it to myself. Eventually, it was shared after a couple of months of knowing that I received a nomination, but even after that, I still didn't talk about it. I feel sad that I didn't trust the environment I was in to celebrate what felt like a huge accomplishment to me. After 7 school years, I had babies and became a SAHM. I left the classroom. And I don't think I'll ever return.
Fashion Creator:
For those that follow me on social media know that a little over a year ago, I created a fashion page. I got involved with the influencer and associate program through Amazon. I highly recommend you try out the program. Anyone can do it and it has wonderful benefits and easy ways to make extra side money.
Anyways, I often feel imposter syndrome while doing this. It is triggered by negative comments, when a video I make doesn't do well as I thought it would, trolls when doing a live. I do my best to answer questions about fashion I share based on my experience. But even though it's my experience doesn't mean that it will be that way for someone following me. I just in many ways feel like I'm doing what I love, sharing fashion is honestly a dream. I have grown so much since I started too. But there are some weeks I am really hard on myself and question why I'm doing it. When that usually happens, I take a couple day break to reflect on why I started it in the first place. That's my main issue with "imposter syndrome". It makes me question my own reasons for doing things, for putting myself out there and why. I often have to remind myself what I love about it, how it changed me. I've accepted that I am not a professional stylist, I will never be. But I love fashion and I love finding clothes that make me feel confident and beautiful. When I start to feel like a fraud, I take a few days to reflect and come up with a new strategy to keep going. A lot of people don't understand how actually difficult it is putting yourself in the public eye by choice. No one forced me to do it, I wanted it. I wanted to do something outside my comfort zone to do and share what I love and what inspires me. I think over time I will get used to the negative comments, and the trolls. I will get used to family and friends judging me. But there are also so many people that are incredibly supportive and love what I'm doing. Those are the people I continue to do it for. Yes for myself but for the community I have created and continue to create. It's no longer a "hobby". It's become something I want to do for a very long time. I just gotta get through those hard days that I feel like a fraud. And when I do, I keep on moving forward.
With all of these experiences, at different times in my life, there is one thing that remained constant, I wanted to do my best, I strived for it. I start to doubt myself when there may be a slight hiccup, someone insults or challenges me, or I feel as if I am not doing my best, and feel as if I'm failing. I struggle with failure but it somehow always makes me better. I'm not going to lie to you, I usually cry when I start to feel that kind of self doubt but it doesn't last long. I use it to light a fire in me. Once I get my emotions in check, I sit down and make a game plan of how I want to be better. I don't like feeling like that, so decide what I can do to change things. I always come out stronger. So as much as it sucks, without it, I wouldn't be chasing after my dreams. Sometimes we need a little self doubt to realize how much we're worth.
Have you ever experienced "imposter syndrome" and if you have, what have you done to get past it?
Thank you so much for reading!
Susana
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