Have you ever experienced joy, fear, depression, anger, guilt all at once? I have. Here's the story of when I found out I was pregnant with baby #2.
December 23, 2020:
My mom was admitted in the hospital. She tested positive for COVID a little over a week before this day. She was sick. Very sick. I remember getting a text message from my family that mom as admitted. I was still teaching at this time. I was going around to students' homes with my teammate to drop off Holiday gifts because we were teaching mostly virtually that year. After spending all day with my teammate, I went straight to my in-laws house to pick up my 7 month old. My husband was there. I remember walking in and I started to cry. At this time, there were a lot of people admitted into the hospital who tested positive for COVID. A lot had died because once COVID hit the lungs, it was very difficult to bounce back from it. COVID had affected my mom's lungs. Her oxygen was very low. I have never felt so terrified in my entire life.
December 24, 2020:
I did everything I could to enjoy Christmas time with my baby girl. It was her first Christmas, and my first as a mom. My brother was going to stay at my parents house, but since my Dad also tested positive for COVID, he had to stay clear. So he stayed with us, since we had a spare room. We usually spend Christmas Eve with my husband's side of the family. I honestly cannot remember if we saw them for Christmas Eve. I don't think we did. I think we all stayed home since it was COVID time, and the pandemic was still a pretty big deal at this time. I remember getting LOTS of text messages and phone calls of updates on my mom. I also remember running to the bathroom, because I had to vomit. I was not feeling well. I thought at the time it was because I wasn't eating as much. I was so anxious with everything going on with my mom that I completely lost my appetite, and just cried all the time. I honestly thought that anxiety and all the crying is what made me feel sick that day. No way did pregnancy come across my mind as a possibility.
December 25, 2020:
We had Christmas morning with our baby girl. My husband dressed up as Santa, and we put our sweet baby in a gorgeous Christmas dress. She was too young to open the gifts herself, so we basically opened it up for her. My brother was also awake and with us on Christmas morning. I spent the day watching Christmas movies, and making Christmas dinner. I remember over cooking the chicken (haha). But I did what I could to make it feel special and somewhat normal.
My mom was getting worse. This was the first day that I felt I was never going to see my mom again. The first day I lost hope. Christmas just didn't feel the same. The most magical time was also the darkest time. I didn't feel sick this day though. However, this was the first day I realized I missed my period for the month of December. I remember telling my husband that I still didn't start my period. This was the first day I thought I could be pregnant.
I had a box of pregnancy tests from the previous year when we were trying to conceive with my first. My husband told me I should take a test. I told him, I will just wait until tomorrow. I wanted Christmas to be about my daughter and if I were pregnant, I did not want to think about it just yet. Honestly, I was terrified to take a pregnancy test. I wasn't terrified finding out I was pregnant, I was terrified that I was going to be pregnant and I wasn't able to call my mom to tell her.
That night, my mom called everyone to wish us all a Merry Christmas. It was a very short phone call. Even though she was struggling, couldn't breathe and could barely talk, she still made sure to call us all to wish us a Merry Christmas. That phone call broke my heart. I was watching a movie on Netflix when I got the phone call. I started to cry during and when she hung up. It made it real. That phone call could have been the last time I ever heard my mom's voice, the last time I talked to her. I so badly wanted to tell her that I was going to take a pregnancy test. That I could be pregnant. But I didn't. I kept that to myself.
December 26, 2020:
In the morning on this day, I took a pregnancy test. I peed on it, wrapped it in a paper towel, and placed it in the kitchen. I told my husband that I wanted him to look at it first. I was too nervous. My brother was upstairs taking a shower and getting ready to leave, so he wasn't around for this pregnancy test reveal. My husband looks at the test after a few minutes of waiting. He stared to yell "fuck yea, not pregnant", and kicking and punching the air in celebration. He apparently did not see a second line. I looked at the test. There was clearly a second line there. I have no idea what he was looking at. So as he was celebrating that I "wasn't pregnant", I interrupted him and said "babe, there's a second line. I'm pregnant". He walks over in shock. Looks at the test and say "oh SHIT". Yes, so clearly this pregnancy was unexpected.
I felt excited and blessed. I also felt so incredibly nervous. After thinking about what the age difference would be, I started to freak out that my first born would be 15-16 months old when this baby would be born. Just felt so surreal. I then thought about my mom. I was not able to call her and tell her. So then I looked at my husband and I told him that I don't want to tell anyone until I am able to tell my mom. If she survives COVID, I want her to be the first in my family to know. So my brother who was upstairs, had no idea. We kept it to ourselves.
December 27 and 6 days later:
My mom was put on the ventilator. It was the last thing they could do to save her life. Her oxygen was so low that it really was the only option. She was on the ventilator for 6 days. The beginning, it didn't seem like things were getting better. I remember talking to my Aunt who was in contact with all the doctors (she is also a doctor), and she started crying on the phone. I felt like no one at this point was giving us the updates we wanted or needed to hear. My Aunt was blunt and basically said mom was not getting better. I got off the phone with my Aunt and began mentally preparing myself to have a baby without my mom. I went into a deep depression. I could not stop crying, and felt so much guilt. How was it fair that I had a new life growing inside of me and I wanted to be and feel excited about it, but then my mom was on a ventilator fighting for her life.
I went to the hospital and parked in the parking lot while my dad, sister and her husband were there. We weren't allowed in the hospital, so we sat in the parking lot that could see her window of the room she was in. I did not tell them I was pregnant. But it was killing me. I wanted to tell them. It just did not seem appropriate. I also wanted to keep the promise to myself that I wanted to tell my mom first if she survived this.
So while each day went by, I started to record videos for my mom. My first video was the day mom was put on the ventilator. I basically used the video to tell mom I was pregnant, but without actually telling her I was pregnant. I recorded a video for each week after until I was able to tell her. The day after new years day, they took my mom off the ventilator. Her oxygen was improving and they wanted to see if she could start breathing on her own. She eventually started to breathe on her own. I think this was when I started to get excited that I was pregnant, because my mom survived and I couldn't wait to tell her. I kept recording my videos for her though because it still did not feel like the right time.
She went home to continue her recovery. I believe it was about a week after she was taken off the ventilator. She struggled. My Aunt traveled from Florida to help her. She also had my two sisters, my brother in law and my dad helping her. I did what I could. I stocked their fridge and freezer with easy to prepare food, so they can focus on my mom and making dinner would be easy. After a couple weeks of my mom being home, my husband and I planned an afternoon to visit my mom for the first time since coming home. We were told to wait a bit after she got home from the hospital because she was struggling so much. At this time, I did already tell my sister that I was pregnant. I was starting to go to the bathroom a lot to vomit, and I knew I couldn't hide it from her since she was at my house 3 days a week nannying my first born. So I kind of had to tell her. When we told my mom and dad for the first time, I played the very first video I recorded for my mom. I brought my laptop and headphones so she could listen to it privately. I had a onesie on my first born that said "big sister". So once mom finished the video, we would have my dad unzip her jacket and her onesie would share the news with my dad. It was a very emotional moment. Everyone started to cry. I am starting to cry now just thinking about it. It was a moment I only dreamed of and for a while never thought was going to be possible.
It is two years later. My mom is healthy and doing extremely well, and I have a beautiful 16 month old girl. That time seems so long ago, but also feels like yesterday. This is a story that I will share with my baby girl one day. Share with her that that little baby I had growing inside of me was the little bit of light I had during the darkest time of my life.
Thank you so much for reading. It means the absolute world to me!
Susana
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