See You In My Dreams

I write this with a very very heavy heart. I want to warn for anyone reading this that there may be triggers ahead for those who experienced a loss or a miscarriage. This is a blog post I never thought I’d write, as I’ve never experienced it before. But now is all I am at the moment. I’m grieving and want to share my story.

In early June 2025, I found out I was pregnant. I was surprised. Shocked to the point that I needed to take a couple days to process the change. To process what the future is going to look like. It was not a part of our plan. But after thinking about it and getting excited for it, I realized that it was happening, and I started to become very attached to the idea of having a third baby. I told family and friends who I felt had the right to know, but also to support me through something that was exciting, but also very scary at the same time. Being Mom is my favorite title. It’s my favorite job. Motherhood has been extremely challenging but very rewarding at the same time. I adore my girls. I love our bond and I was really looking forward to doing it again with a third baby. I was not prepared for what was to come. I had two successful pregnancies and that’s all I knew.

July 11th changed everything for me. I went in for my eight week appointment and I was very anxious before this appointment. I was not having a lot of symptoms. I was not feeling nauseous or as tired as I was in my first two pregnancies. I felt different. So because of that, I felt like there was something off. And in my mind, I kept thinking I don’t think that this appointment is going to go well. It was a gut feeling I had and I felt very anxious because of it. I was not excited. I was not looking forward to the appointment. I was almost dreading it. Something was not sitting right with me.

I go in for the appointment with my heart pounding through my chest. I openly tell the nurse practitioner that something was not right that I feel very anxious, that I wasn’t experiencing a lot of symptoms. So she said “OK let’s see baby first, then we can celebrate and talk about next steps.” So she does a transvaginal ultrasound. I could tell something was wrong because she turned the screen away from me and I wasn’t able to see anything. She was very quiet. She then says “I can’t find a heartbeat and your baby is measuring behind. I am measuring your baby at six weeks three days but you’re supposed to be eight weeks according to your last menstrual period.” You know that gut feeling I had before this appointment? That was exactly what I felt was going to happen. Did I want it to have happened that way? Absolutely not. But it happened. She wanted to get a second opinion so she sent me to the imaging center on the lower level in the same building. The only issue was I had to wait 2 1/2 hours for that appointment and then after that appointment, I would go straight back up to see the same nurse practitioner. She would then talk to me about next steps.

I went home after that and I was in tears. I texted my husband. I texted my mom. I texted my sister and I told them what was going on. I went home and sobbed in my husband‘s arms. I felt broken. I felt confused. I felt sad. I felt like I was living an alternate reality. I felt numb.

To pass the time, I went to the beach to sit by myself before it was time for that next appointment. I am going to the next appointment to get a confirmed ultrasound for what the nurse practitioner found earlier in the day and this was in a image screening center where the equipment was better quality so they would get a better picture. Apparently, the equipment in the first appointment was not the best quality and very old equipment. Which was why she wanted a second opinion. Happened a lot in this clinic apparently. So I went to the next appointment and she didn’t talk to me much. Not the best bedside manner. She wasn’t very personable. She didn’t share anything with me. I was just laying there and I was given an external ultrasound as well as a transvaginal ultrasound. She found the same thing; no heartbeat and measured the baby at six weeks one day. I went back up to where I went for my first appointment and the nurse practitioner said that I need to wait a week and in one week, I will come back and they will try and find the heartbeat. If there is no heartbeat then it would be confirmed as a miscarriage.

I spent the next few days sharing the news with all my closest friends and family and completely heartbroken. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much in my life. I didn’t understand what was happening, I have never experienced this kind of pain before, and to wait a whole week and to sit with that pain of the unknown was extremely difficult. It may have been one of the hardest weeks of my life. Complete torture.

A week passed and it was time for my next appointment that would confirm or deny a miscarriage. I went to the exact same clinic that I went to the first appointment a week ago. Same process, different nurse practitioner. They all knew that I was in there to check and see if the pregnancy was viable. I lay on the bed and luckily this time I wasn’t by myself, I had my husband with me. My dear friend, came to visit me to watch my girls so that my husband could go with me, which was one of the kindest things that anyone has ever done for me and I really appreciate that she did that for me. It made it possible that my husband was able to be there for me and I didn’t have to go through this confirmation ultrasound by myself.

She does the transvaginal ultrasound and it took her and I’m not even kidding…. 20 minutes to find the baby. I am in tears. My body is shaking, my hands are sweating. I am so anxious at this point. I am so ready to just get an answer and just be done. To be perfectly honest, the transvaginal ultrasound actually hurt because she was moving it all around and it was uncomfortable. She complained the whole time that this sonogram equipment was outdated and old and she kept apologizing to me and she said she was going to complain and that this was ridiculous and it was pissing her off. She kept complaining the whole time meanwhile, I’m in tears because I have this thing up me and they can’t even find the baby. I knew the baby was still in there because I didn’t bleed at all, all week. Eventually, she found the baby but couldn’t get a clear picture. What she decided to do next was like the week before was send me down to the imaging center on the lower level. They didn’t have an availability until two hours later. My husband who spoke up for me, said that having to wait like that is unacceptable. We just wanted answers. We’ve been waiting all week. This has been an extremely emotional week. We just wanna know if my wife is pregnant or not. He was visibly Livid. They apologized and said there was nothing they could do. We just have to wait. I’m in tears still at this point, confused, feeling completely emotionally traumatized by everything that’s been happening. They sent me back up to their waiting room. They said they will see if they can find another imaging center around here who will be able to do an ultrasound for me sooner than the one that we have scheduled for 2 hours later. We were able to find one that’s about 25 minutes away, but we had to leave at that moment to get there on time. So we accepted it and we rushed to the next location, which was luckily at a hospital.

We get to the next imaging center to do another ultrasound. At this location, the bedside manner was so much better. Way more pleasant. They sat there and talked to us and listened to us. They wanted to talk about our family. The kids we already have. Everything. She was so kind and so helpful. She does the abdominal and a transvaginal ultrasound. Unfortunately, because it was a viability screening she was unable to tell me if there was a heartbeat or not. I didn’t even get to see the screen. However, I did have this gut feeling that if there was a heartbeat, if she did find it, she would’ve told me. Unfortunately, she did not, and said that we had to wait two or so hours for the doctor to check out everything that she did and then would confirm if it was a miscarriage or not.

I waited. I had no choice. I was just glad that all of the ultrasounds and the appointments at that point was done because I was exhausted. Emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. About 2 1/2 hours later I get the test results as well as a phone call from the first nurse practitioner that I saw earlier that day and she did confirm that it was what they call a “missed miscarriage”. The baby did not grow, nor could they find a heartbeat. She gave me my options, said that I could wait until it passes itself, I could have pills that would start contracting it, and then pass itself, or I could do the surgical option and a OB/GYN would perform a D&C to remove the pregnancy.

Since I had a week to prepare for this, I did a lot of research. I was ready to make a decision when this inevitably became my time to make the decision. I decided to go with the D&C.

Tonight, I am writing this as the night before my D&C. I am sad. I am getting ready to say goodbye to something that I was really excited for just a week and a half ago. I was supposed to be 10 weeks pregnant this week and instead I’m grieving a loss that is completely breaking my heart.

My support system has been amazing. I am so glad that I shared this pregnancy with friends and family and even the people I work with. Because I have had a lot of people step up for me. I have had so many kind messages, people checking in daily talking to me, sharing their own experiences. Being empathetic, being supportive, being understanding and patient with me. I really know at this point in my life who really shows up for me. I know who to count on.

So tonight, I grieve. Tomorrow, I say goodbye. And for the remaining of my life, I heal and remember the short amount of time I had with this baby, and the future I dreamt.

If you have ever experienced a loss like this, my heart goes out to you, and I am so so sorry. I would not wish this on anyone. Those words “I can’t find a heartbeat” was the most traumatizing experience and completely devastating. A moment that will remain with me forever.

My heart is broken, but I’m going to be OK.

Thank you so much for reading!

Susana