I am writing this post because maybe it can help moms who went through something similar or going through currently to not feel as alone. I struggled with postpartum depression and anxiety after my second was born. In this post I will share what my experience was like and what I did to help myself through a very difficult time of my life.
Here's the thing, I have read that postpartum depression and anxiety is not the same for everyone. Fathers can experience it as well and that even looks different for them. It took me about 8 months after my second was born to realize I was not okay. And that was when I decided I needed to make a change.
Here's what Postpartum Depression looked like for me:
Basic Hygiene:
I didn't have the energy and mental capacity to brush my teeth. I would stand in front of the mirror looking at my toothbrush and have zero motivation to pick it up and brush my teeth.
Crying:
I held in my tears all day. And then at night when I was alone, I'd spend hours crying. I would hold my baby trying to get her to sleep and cry. I would do a dream feed, and cry during it. I made sure no one ever saw me cry, but when I was alone, it was all I did.
Dehydration:
I struggled drinking water. I did not have the energy to fill up water for myself. If it was in the kitchen while I was sitting in the tv room playing with my baby, I wouldn't go into the kitchen just a few steps away to get my water. So instead, I wouldn't drink water at all and just deal with the consequences which was usually a headache and trouble sleeping.
Zoning Out:
I remember sitting in the pediatricians waiting room, and the nurse called out my daughters name. I heard it but then I didn't hear it. Unintentionally ignoring the fact that it was our appointment time. I think she might've said my daughters name a few times until I looked at her a realized where I was and why she was saying her name. I was so embarrassed. For a moment, I completely forgot where I was and what I was there for.
Forgetful:
If I didn't write it down, I'd often forget.
Social Outings:
I'd find reasons to cancel or not go to a social event. I struggled finding motivation to clean myself up and get ready. I preferred laying in bed or the couch. I never wanted to leave the house. I also convinced myself that if I did leave, I'd probably get in a car accident and never return.
Unsolicited opinions and advice:
I would shut down when someone decided it was appropriate to overstep. I took it personally, but wouldn't say anything about it. Instead I would sit alone at night, overthink what was said to me, convince myself I was inadequate as a parent and that my girls deserved better than me.
Obsessive Cleaning:
There's spilled chocolate milk on the carpet. I would scrub and scrub and scrub the spot. And even if the spot was clean, I'd keep scrubbing because I couldn't let go of the fact that it was cleaned up.
Burst of Energy:
Randomly, I would have a burst of energy that everything I pushed off to do for weeks could all get done within 30 minutes.
Sound Sensitivity:
I struggled with certain sounds. Especially loud sounds. Sleeping with a white noise machine really helped me
Eating:
I often forgot to eat.
Negative Self Talk:
I was my worst enemy. I somehow convinced myself I was the worst wife, worst mother. I am so sad for the woman I was then. Because I was not that at all. I think back at how I felt about myself and wish I could just give her a hug and tell her that she's doing the best she could every day, and was and still is a wonderful wife and mother.
Comparison:
I'd see other moms happy on social media and in person and want to be like them. Wish I could be happy and content with motherhood like them. No one should ever compare because behind closed doors, you never know what they're actually going through.
Masking:
I pretended I was okay. I never shared my struggles because I was embarrassed. I'd smile and laugh in public places and family get togethers, when inside I was so sad and struggling with every day life. I don't know why I never asked for help, I don't know why I wasn't open about how hard of a time I was having. I'd even hide it from my own husband. I felt like I made the decision to be a mom, so I didn't have the right to complain or admit I was struggling.
The hardest part about realizing how difficult things were me, is the guilt that comes with it. I not for a single day questioned my love for my girls. They were and still are my everything and the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am a better person because of them. The guilt I feel is the struggle I had during that time living motherhood. I felt like I was doing everything I needed to do to be there for my girls, but at the end of the day, all that energy exhausted me to the point that I was a blob come the evening. I made sure not a day went by that my girls didn't know my love for them. It was a very difficult and dark time. A time I don't talk about often. A time that I still to this day get emotional about when I see a baby picture of my second born. It reminds me how much I struggled.
There are a number of things I did to feel like myself again.
I started a fashion page to share my journey to love my body postpartum
I started writing blogs to express myself during my struggles but also celebrate the good in motherhood
I talked to my doctor when I realized I wasn't okay
I jumped into the journey of my husband's YouTube channel growth
I found a new dentist and scheduled dental cleanings every few months.
I planned more play dates
I planned more outings or weekends with friends
My husband and I made time for at least one date night a month
I was adamant about sleep training my girls so I could start sleeping again
I meal planned monthly to help with grocery shopping
Groceries were always ordered and delivered to our house.
I made sure I ate lunch every day
If I felt like I needed to cry, I no longer held it in, I let it out. All out.
I communicated more with my husband when I was struggling
I found a few people in my life who were willing to listen when I needed it. Listen without judgement. These people know who they are, and helped me more than words can even express.
I took time to get my hair done and massages.
If I thought of someone, I texted them right away to tell them I'm thinking about them.
I made sure to increase my water intake.
I purged all my old clothes and shoes.
I tried to get outside more and walk more.
I showed myself grace. If I couldn't get everything I wanted to get done, I made sure to assure myself it was okay.
Please don't feel sorry for me after reading this. It is an experience in my life that I grew from. Postpartum Depression and Anxiety can be very serious. It looks different for everyone. If you have experienced this, just know you're not alone. I am here if you want to talk about it. I won't judge, I won't try and fix things for you, I will just listen. I wish I had that when I was going through it. But I was ashamed. And it took a while to even realize it. When you're in the trenches of motherhood, it is easy to forget about your own needs. It doesn't have to be like that. It's important to find a healthy balance. Whatever that looks like for you. It took me some time, but I have found that balance.
Thank you so much for reading!
Susana
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