Growth as a Parent

I've learned a lot since becoming a parent. I've grown a lot. If I could go back over 3 years ago and tell my soon to be new mom self what I know now, this is what I would say.

Set Boundaries:

I wish I did this sooner. I so often let people say things to me how I should parent. I let it pass or try to ignore it. I let people overstep and because of that, boundaries have been crossed. It started out innocent, but overtime became mean. I do partly blame myself for it because I never set a boundary from the beginning what I expected as a parent. How I expected to be treated. I never stood up for myself, for my husband, or for my girls. I am learning to say no to things. I am starting to stand up for myself. It is never too late to set a boundary for your family. Respect is important. My mindset changed because the lack of boundaries started to make me feel inadequate as a parent or that I questioned my own judgement as a parent. No more. Set those boundaries from the beginning, and if crossed, make it known those boundaries are crossed.

Be Okay with Being Different:

This took time to accept. I have read and listened to a lot of podcasts and blogs. What other moms did what other moms felt was the best "method" to raise a child. I would listen to what family and friends have done and everything just got really confusing. I didn't know at first my parenting style. I didn't know what I was doing. But just like everything else in my life, I learn by struggling and failing first. I then figure out a way to make things work my way. I didn't start doing this until after my second was born. I was worried what people thought of me as a parent after my first was born. I found myself constantly changing what I thought I should do because of what other parents were doing. I decided after my second was born that I was going to do things differently. I was determined to do things my way. I googled EVERYTHING with my first. With my second, I trusted my own instinct.

Don't Ask for Advice Unless Necessary:

As mentioned above, boundaries were often crossed when my first was born. My husband and I talked to everyone about what we "should" be doing because we were new parents and struggled trusting ourselves. It got to the point that advice started coming in when we didn't ask for it. That was our fault. We overasked for advice in the beginning and that allowed others to feel okay with overstepping when we didn't ask for it. However, all the advice caused great confusion because everyone parented and did things differently. We didn't know who to trust or what we thought was best for us. We lost sight of who we wanted to be as parents. Now, we rarely ask for advice. We keep our decisions to ourselves to avoid judgement. The only advice I ask for now is my husband or my daughters' pediatrician. That's it. If I don't ask you for your advice on something we are dealing with with my girls, please don't take offense. It's just because I've grown as a parent and I no longer need it. I've learned to trust myself.

It's okay to say "no":

A play date is planned and another kid gets sick. I don't want my kids to get sick. So I cancel the play date. That's okay.

It's a Holiday and a family member got sick, I have treats made and gifts wrapped, but decide not to attend the Holiday event anyway. That's okay.

A family lunch was planned and everyone is invited. It's in the middle of nap time. I decide to stay home for nap instead of attending lunch. That's okay.

Last weekend was filled with parties and family visits, I want a quiet weekend with my little family instead of over planning the next weekend. That's okay.

I decide to plan vacation or outings with just ourselves instead of inviting others. That's okay.

I was asked if I wanted toys or clothes previously owned by another child. I know I don't have the space for it or do not want too much clutter so I decline the offer. That's okay.

I get asked if my child can eat something given by someone else. I'm not comfortable with the food being offered, so I say no. That's okay.

It is taking time for me to understand the importance of saying no. I often felt obligated to say yes to everyone because I wanted to please, or wanted to avoid judgement. I wanted to avoid being the "topic of conversation". I quickly learned that no matter what I did, sometimes being the topic of conversation was unavoidable. So saying no goes back to boundaries. It's putting my family first instead of always trying to please others.

Routine:

Some parents have a set routine. Some do not. Some have set sleep times. Some do not. Some feed their kids whenever they say they're hungry. Some feed at set times. That is ALL okay. Every parent should do things with their children that works best for them and their lifestyle. For me and my husband and the way I like to live and function every day, routine is huge in our house. I tried to enforce this since day 1 and I'm glad I did because it has really helped us every day. Especially with sleep. Nap times and bed times more specifically. Everything we do is consistent and expected. If I leave for the day and my husband has the girls, he follows the same routine. We write down what our routine looks like when we have babysitters. It works for us. We are on vacation now and follow the same routine we do at home. It has made this vacation smooth and our girls know what to expect. It's predictable. Maybe it's the teacher in me, but I absolutely love routine and schedules. My days feel less chaotic because of it.

Less is More:

When my first was born, I thought she needed all the clothes, all the toys, every thing with every milestone. We had so much crap that we didn't use or need. I realized over time, that less is more. The less you have, the less you have to clean up. Which means maximizing time in the evening. Less things to keep track of. Teaching my girls to appreciate what they already have.

It was months ago and I got rid of maybe half their toys. I binned up most of the toys we kept and rotated the toys whenever I felt they were getting bored with what I had out. I would take out bins when needed. It changed everything for me especially being home with my girls all day every day. It seemed like everything for the longest time was just plain chaos. I donated toys and clothes and kept what I felt they would wear and play with consistently. Toys were easier to store away so our rooms felt less cluttered! It was the best thing I could have done and definitely a lesson learned.

Avoid Comparison:

I am guilty of this. Especially in the beginning of motherhood and my first born was reaching or not reaching "expected" milestones. I remember thinking she must be behind or will struggle when she starts school because she wasn't talking as much as other children close to her age. Comparing your child to others is a silent new mom spirit killer. I had to learn this the hard way. I remember thinking "what am I doing wrong" as a parent. I realized I was caught up with comparing instead of being in the moment with my daughter and loving her own personal growth as a baby into toddlerhood. When I had my second, it helped me see how different every baby and toddler can be. Just because each child is growing at different rates does mean one child is thriving more than another. I celebrated my second borns milestones more because I stayed away from comparing her growth to other children.

Balance:

Mom guilt was really bad for me in the beginning. I really struggled finding time for myself. I remember having my first hair appointment when my first born was 4 months old. I was so sad to leave, that I cried. But I left anyways and enjoyed my time away, spoiling myself. After that moment, it got easier and easier to make time for myself. I planned a trip with my sister last year for a weekend in Disney. I planned a girls trip this past summer with my college friends. I like to plan dinner with friends, and I joined a book club. I've planned Board and Brush workshops and found a way to fit that in while being busy as a mom. Honestly, my husband has made it all possible. He never makes me feel guilty for wanting to take time away occasionally. He actually encourages it. We even planned monthly date nights for ourselves for intentional time together. It has been an incredible balance that I've created between my personal life, motherhood and my marriage. When I started making time for myself, I felt like I had more patience during the day with my girls. I felt like I slept better at night. I felt like myself again. Mom guilt can be harsh and without doing anything can get out of control. I'm here to tell you, do not feel guilty putting yourself first. It's so important in every season of life. Just because we become a mom, doesn't mean we have to completely lose ourselves.

If you have made it this far. Thank you so much for reading. Motherhood is a journey and so often can be so hard and feel defeating. I've grown and continue to grow as a parent. No matter what season of life you are in, I'm sure at some point we have all learned these valuable lessons. If you can relate to anything I've shared, I love to chat about it!

Thank you so much for being here,

Susana