Have you ever heard this before "It takes a village to raise a child"? I have. I've read about it, seen it as pictures, watched it in trendy reels/tiktoks, and people have told me too. I struggle with this statement I agree with it to a certain extent but also have some mixed feelings about it too. I am going to share with you in what parts of raising a child do I agree it takes a village and what parts, I do not agree with.
Why I agree
Family and friends in a child's life is very important. The love they receive from those family members and friends will shape them. It shows that they receive love from more than just their parents and siblings. That to me takes a village. The more love a child experiences from all people, the more they learn about love. Now, I understand that there are some situations that the parents (or just mother, or just father) are the only family they get to see. That love is the most important. The love they experience that's not from mom and dad already, is special. When someone comes to our house, into our child's world, it makes them feel special. It creates the bond. So to those who have made an effort for my girls, thank you. You are an important part of what "takes a village".
If we have a birthday party, the people invited to celebrate our child are family and friends we are typically very close to. It means so much to children when their "village" shows up to celebrate them, but also means a lot to me as a mother too. Our parties have only been at our house, and it usually requires a lot of work. When people show up to celebrate our little special birthday girl, it does not go unnoticed. I understand things come up and some family and friends can't make it. But to those that make the effort, it is so special. Even if it is just a facetime call, a phone call, text message, facebook post/comments, anything, celebrating a child and making it extra special for them "takes a village".
People making the effort to come over after a baby is born I consider a "village". Life changes so much after having a baby. Doesn't matter if it is the first, second, fifth baby. Things change. In the beginning, it's a hard change. When my first was born, we were quarantined at home. Per doctor's recommendation, she said the first month people other than mom and dad should not come in contact with the baby because we were in the beginning of a pandemic and the doctor said it was best to stay safe. Our "village" came over to do window visits. Asked how I was doing, and came to see our new baby. Even though they didn't get to hold her, I felt so much support during a crazy time. Not only did we just become parents, but we were also doing it during a pandemic. It was a crazy and overwhelming time. We had many people send gifts, diapers, books with sweet notes inside, text messages and FaceTime calls. I couldn't see anyone but I felt the love. That was very special. When my second was born, it was a totally different experience and I will get to that in a second. The love and support after having a baby "takes a village".
When I was still working, I was pregnant with my second. So we only needed to find childcare for my first. We were very lucky. My Mother-In-Law watched her a couple days a week and my sister came to our house and was her "Aunt Nanny". I really appreciate their help. They made it possible for my to feel comfortable going to work. It was so hard to find childcare at the time too because a lot of places weren't taking new infants because of the pandemic. So having family I could rely to watch my daughter was so amazing. When my second was born, my husband and I had a wedding we needed to travel to. My sister in-law, brother in-law, and mother in-law took our girls for the weekend. I was able to attend my brother's hopefully only wedding because of them. Watching our children when we work or are doing other things "takes a village".
Why I Disagree
Before I share why I disagree, I want to say that this is only from my experience. What I am about to say is based on what life was like after baby number 2. We did and are still doing the best we can, but the first 6 months after our second girl was born, was what made me realize that the statement "it takes a village to raise a child" is complete BULL (sorry if this is offensive but unfortunately, it's the truth).
I don't know if it's because we live farther away (maybe 15 added minutes) from family and friends, or people just expected us to have our shit together since we already had a baby, but our "village" did not come around as often after we had our second baby. My parents came the first week, my in-laws came by a few times, and my sister came, but that was it. We did not get any other visitors. Everyone else, expected us to go to them. The first time people met our second baby was at someone else's house. A week after my baby was born, I had to travel to others. Two weeks after my baby was born, I had to travel to others. A month after my baby was born, I had to travel to others. The effort was almost nonexistent. It came to the point that I just refused to keep leaving because I was struggling. Like REALLY struggling, mentally, physically, emotionally. I'm healing from labor and delivery, figuring out how to be a mom of two, not getting any sleep, and rarely did anyone come around to support me. I rarely even got text messages to check in and see how things were going. It hurt that no one wanted to see my new baby and meet her for the first time too. Where was our "village" then? I honestly don't know.
My second born was a difficult newborn. After many doctor appointments, it was found that she had acid reflux. It would get stuck in her chest and she would be in so much pain. Instead of people trying to help me with her when she was crying, the comment I would always get was "If she starts crying, I'm giving her back to you". I get how that could maybe be funny when someone else says it, but to me, it would make me feel completely defeated. I knew she would start crying because she was always uncomfortable. We had to feed her a certain way, we had to keep her upright ALL THE TIME, and we had to get her to sleep after a specific amount of time. If we did all that, she was content. If we didn't, it would be nonstop crying. So yes, I had to hold her all the time. My husband tried, but he didn't have the patience for it. It was always me. That part of newborn stage did not take a village. That part of newborn stage was all me. I have never felt so lonely in my entire life. Hours in her room getting her to calm down and sleep. Thanksgiving and I am separated from everyone so I can get her to sleep. I do think that's why I am so bonded to my second born. It was me and her all the time. I felt as if I was the only one who understood her, who knew how to soothe her. I honestly felt I was the only one who had the patience to do it. I am so protective over her too. Everyone wants to hold an "easy" baby, but no one wants to hold a baby that is considered "difficult".
The "village" I depend on to lift me up, is the first to knock me down. This is so difficult to write about but I feel for myself, I need to. Being a parent is hard. Being a parent to one child, two, three, six, ten. It doesn't matter how many children you have, it's hard. It is one of those things in life that is magical, overwhelming, exhausting, beautiful all at the same time. So not only after baby 2 did my village expect me to always go to them, but in the moments of struggle, we would be judged, criticized, told what we need to do better. I'm sorry, but that doesn't sound like a "supportive, I want to help raise your child" village to me. If anything it makes it worse. I have received comments like "You need to stop isolating yourself", "you shouldn't give her that", "your daughter is _____, so you need to do ____", and my absolute favorite "you need to do better". All these comments came from people I love and respect. Some are parents and some aren't. Each comment, judgement, and criticism, digs me deeper and deeper into a hole. I start to question everything I am doing for my girls. The decision I made to leave teaching and stay home with them. It's so hard not to take it personally, but I do. These comments sit with me, and I think about them over and over again. And then I convince myself that I am not doing enough for my girls, and I cry. How can they say "it takes a village to raise a child", when a lot of the times the "village" judges and criticizes how you raise your own child. This is where I struggle with the statement. I struggle because a lot of the time, my "village" seems to make this life as a parent harder. Do you realize that in all those comments I have received, they all contain the words "you need to". As if what I'm already doing isn't enough.
This was a deep and difficult post for me to write. I kept thinking about how I wanted to word it but needed to be honest at the same time. I want to make known that I have a very loving and caring family and my husband has a very loving and caring family. They all love my girls very much. However, after our second baby, we were treated differently as parents. I am curious if anyone else has had this experience and your thoughts on the statement "It Takes a Village to Raise a Child".
Thank you so much for reading!
~Susana
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