I am going to be completely honest and transparent. From day one when I became a mom, I had a misunderstanding on what gentle parenting was. I listened to others opinions on it instead of doing the necessary research learning exactly what gentle parenting is.
I believed that gentle parenting was allowing kids to get away with everything they chose to do. Be passive in situations, and let the children lead. Soft and walked all over. A child's doormat. I thought it meant literally what it was "gentle". And boy was I wrong. There is a whole scientific approach to what it means to be a gentle parent. I am embarrassed that I judged it so quickly, and allowed that to paint a false picture of what it means to practice gentle parenting.
In 3 years of learning about it, I have found that gentle parenting is the parent I want to be. I am going to share qoutes that stuck with me during the many nights reading about gentle parenting. My mindset has changed, and I want to share that with you.
"When kids struggle, we don't see them as bad kids doing bad things, but rather good kids having a bad time".
Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy
"This parenting feels hard, because it is hard, not because something's wrong with me. I'm a good mom having a hard time".
Dr. Becky on IG reel
See reel here: ▶️ Watch this reel https://www.facebook.com/share/r/oeCPQaMA61YhvckD/?mibextid=UalRPS
"Your kids need a STURDY leader"
@drbeckyatgoodinside on IG
"If we want our kids to one day be able to regulate their own distressing feelings, we must first show them that we can tolerate their distressing feelings"
@drbeckyatgoodinside on IG
"Gratitude is a feeling, not a behavior"
@drbeckyatgoodinside on IG
Dr. Becky is amazing. She is a clinical psychologist, even has her PhD in Clinical Psychology. I follow her on Facebook and Instagram. She share situations that parents share and what to do in that situation as well as her own personal situations. She is incredibly knowledgeable and I have the highest respect for her approach to parenting. If you don't follow her, I recommend that you do especially if you believe in the gentle parenting approach. I learned about her from a podcast I listen to BIG FAT POSITIVE. I think Dr. Becky was a guest on their podcast too. I could be wrong. I've listened to so many episodes. Anyways, Laura and Shanna on the podcast always talks about Dr. Becky and a couple other resources when they've been having a difficult time with their children's behaviors. I learned that as parents, it's okay to not have to have it all figured out. But to find what works best for us, prioritize who we want to be as parents, and stick to it!
I also think it is amazing that our mindset of how we parent is also the same of who we are as a parent. The quotes above talked about kids being a good kid but having a hard time and parents being a good parent but having a hard time. By putting that into perspective, we are all the same no matter the age we are. The difference is, we as adults know (or at least should know) how to regulate our emotions and talk ourselves through hard times. Whereas young children are unable to do that. We as their adults need to teach how to do it. Understanding that they aren't actually bad kids but good kids having a hard time, we show more empathy and understanding towards their feelings and help them work through and regulate their emotions. I choose not to punish my children for feeling, instead "encourage skill-building" when in certain situations. I read that in an article written about Dr. Becky and her book Good Inside.
Big Little Feelings a page I follow on instagram is amazing. They also practice gentle parenting.
Here are some quotes that stuck with me from their page and other social media pages as well.
"Just like us, children have bad days. Days when they're tired, not feeling well, lose their temper, or are emotional for no reason. This doesn't make them bad, this makes them human".
-Sarah Boyd, Big Little Feelings IG page
"All feelings are okay"
Big little feelings IG page
"Parents are allowed to hold boundaries and kids are allowed to feel upset about them".
Big Little Feelings IG page
"When our little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it is our job to share our calm, not join their chaos."
LR Knost, big little feelings IG page
"Discipline is helping a child solve a problem. Punishment is making a child suffer for having a problem. To raise problem solvers focus on solutions, not retribution"
LR Knost, big little feelings IG page
"See them and hear them"
Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, FB
See reel here: 📸 Watch this video on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/share/v/972xAUKYmuoPYw4V/?mibextid=iCjFHx
Wow. Just wow. These quotes just hit too close to home. They're a to the point reminder that our children are only human. And they're at an age that what we do during their moments of chaos is so important to their growth as a child emotionally, physically, mentally. Talk about pressure right? I don't know about you, but I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself as a parent. I reflect a lot on everything I do. I did this when I was school, I did this when I played sports, I did this in college, I did this when I was a teacher and now I do this as a parent. I try to be perfect in so many ways and realized that was making things harder for me because of my very unrealistic high expectations of myself. Here is what I learned though. I learned that even with high expectations of myself, by learning from my mistakes and doing what's best in the situation, I always end up being okay. I always figure it out and figure out what works best for me even if it's not the traditional way of doing things. That is why I chose gentle parenting. It's hard, yes. I try so hard not to lose my shit. Empathy, understanding, connection, boundaries, communication and collaboration. That is what I do daily and I love it. I feel so connected to my girls. I still make mistakes, and I'm learning from it. But I've gotten to the point that I am able to look at my girls, comfort them when they need it, and they know what to expect from me because I've been consistent.
I understand that gentle parenting will change as my girls get older. I am unsure exactly what that will look for me or how I'll approach it. What I do know is that I know more now than 3 years ago and I'm proud of it. I'm proud of the parent that I've become. I'm proud of myself for doing the research and willing to learn because at the end of the day, that's what my girls need from me. I also show myself grace during the very hard days. I have learned to communicate with my husband on the days that I'm really struggling. That's usually when I go back to Dr. Becky's page for some extra inspiration, because she is remarkable, and exactly what I need in my moments of struggle.
I am curious what your parenting approach is. Did you have a misunderstanding about Gentle parenting at first too? Let me know, I'd love to chat about it!
Thank you so much for reading!
Susana
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